Lisa Shea Forums General Discussion Religious Research Beginning of change

Hey guys, I just thought some of you my like to hear a story! I've been on here for a while now, and I've changed exponentially from when I first arrived. I might be assuming too much to think anyone cares, but I'll try to make it interesting enough so reading my long post will be enjoyable! =) It'll at least serve for a good reference.

I'm sharing mainly due to the title, my real beginning of change: telling my husband. My beloved is a Christian, I am not. When we were married, and when we first met, we both loved the Lord, as they say, very much. Served in ministry together, did evangelic events together, went to Christian college together, and had all the Christian trimmings in our wedding. Last night, I told him I've accepted Atheism as my life philosophy.

To be honest, it was harder than I thought. I had assumed he some how new. I had also assumed that he was more liberal and agnostic than he actually is, so I thought my change wouldn't bother him that much! I mean, he had enjoyed our secular Atheism class, and agreed that Atheism had a better argument than the Christian rebuttal book they had us read. But I guess through my process of change, I had failed to realize and think, "How would I have felt if he was an atheist when I was a Xtian?"

For those that have read my posts, you'll remember me as a fiery Christian. =) You'll also probably recall when my answers to discussion topics started changing! Well, here I am. Not at the end of a journey, but back to the beginning, the way were were born: without theistic indoctrination. Back to childhood, before I was told "the Truth" was the only truth there was. Before I was flooded with charismatic experiences and fantastical stories of visions, and healings, and miracles. Before my emotions were taken advantage of, before I was lead to believe the only way to be happy was through a relationship with Jesus.

Maybe what I was taught was true! But I choose to find out for myself. To return to the default belief I was born with, empty slate, and build what I find to be truth by reasonable deduction and honest searching. If God be real, my only prayer is for him to understand that I cannot believe in what I cannot substantiate! Faith is unreasonable, for it's based on trusting in what can not be seen, as the Good Word defines it. And I just can't live like that anymore.

But, back to the main plot of this story.

I was terrified. My husband stood there wrinkling a piece of paper he had in his hand for the past 10 minutes. I could tell the upset, and worry from the past few months had come to a climax, and he needed to know where I stood. He told me "I don't know where you stand anymore."

I said, " I don't know what you mean."

Chai, our kitty, was poking her head through the cracked door by now. I swear, she looked like a little girl with a "mommy and daddy's fighting" look on her face. It's amazing how human-like our pets can be sometimes, how they know when somethings wrong, and how they can feel the tension in a room.

"I'm just afraid.. that my biggest fear is actually true." He said.

"What's your biggest fear."

After the longest pause I think we've had yet in our deep conversations, he answered "That you've become an Atheist."

Leaving details out of of conversation, I told him that I was. For a moment, I was terrified that that proclamation was the end of our relationship. He looked torn and devastated, and there was nothing I could do but console him that I would not give up, and share my pain. The ostracizing I feel my church family, the looks of pity, the feeling like I failed everyone who had put faith in me, everyone who had prophesied into my life, everyone who had kids that had looked up to me in church, everyone who had watched the way I worshiped God and looked up to my young fire.

Eventually, sharing my pain, and how hard it was for me to accept completely that I can not believe in fairy tales any longer, got to him. He came over to me, bless his heart, and just held me. He said he loved me, and would support me no matter what. In that moment, sure I felt pitied, and wondered inside if he thought I was doomed for Hell, especially when he expressed a desire for me to turn back eventually and "not give up on God," but I knew he loved me, supported me 100%, and would be behind me every step of the way. =)

So that's my story. My beginning of one life, and end of another. I feel like I could take on the world. It's like coming out of the closet, really, but worse! At least the homosexual is just sinning, and could maybe be forgiven by God if they claim to love him, me, I have turned my back on my savior. But I don't care. I'm out of that closet, and out from hiding, and the only person I care about accepts me! I hope my parents will too, and I'll surely share for those who care how they react, but is the love of my life isn't rejecting me, then I have hope for the world. Hope to change the world even! To change the world from their elitism, from their firm grip on salvation and eternal life, to change them to accept and love everyone for who they are, human.

Thanks for reading.

Sarah

Wow, I am really sorry to hear about this. I feel awful that a class has cost you your faith in God and Christianity, and I am also concerned for those who will stumble in their own faith as a result of reading your post. There is a book I would really like to suggest you read; a devout atheist wrote it. His name is Lee Strobel, and he is a writer for the Chicago Tribune. He set out to prove that Christianity is just a fraud, but ended up being saved as a result of his investigation. The name of the book is "The Case for Christ." Just wondering...what denomination of Christianity did you practice? I respect your honesty, and I thank you for sharing your struggle, but I know Christianity is the Way the Truth and the Life....because it is the most real thing I have ever felt in my life.

Erika
Saved 1/21/09

Thanks Niki.

Erika: it was more than a class that "cost her her faith."

Not everyone in this world believes in Christianity. Just because you do, does NOT make it the universal truth.

In fact, there are more non-Christians in this world than there are Christians.

I am one of those who is NOT a Christian and finds the whole faith to be fraudulent.

I'm glad you found something you like, for now. My guess is you will change one day. Most people do.

But please don't be patronizing about someone's faith.

Just because you think it's truth does not make it so.

Erika, I respect your opinions, but your attitude does not please me. There is nothing to be sorry about, nothing to be afraid of, and please do not pity me.

If you read the whole post, you would have realized it was not a class that changed me. A single class hardly affected me. But I suppose that is best understood by those who have been here, I wasn't trying to make an exhaustive post on why I have changed and how that process took place. Most people here know it has been a long time in the making.

The person of Jesus used to be the only reality to me as well. =) And I have and am reading many books, many acclaimed "Ex-Atheists." So I will add yours to the long list. But I have been there, done "miracles," seen miracles, recieved miracles. Fell out under the spirit, spoke in tongues, worshipped and loved God to tears, converted my husband from evil Catholocism! I've lead 100s to Christ, I have witnessed to that much more. I have read the Bible back and forward. I have studied it in college. I can read it in Hebrew. I can quote countless songs, and passages to you in that language by heart. I have loved the Lord to the fullest of how I know possible. I saved my virginity for marriage. I've been baptised in water, baptised in the spirit. Saw visions. Been on mission trips, retreats, camps.

And yet, here I stand. I've been where you are, I've felt what you've felt, and yet here I am. I choose reason. If God can show himself to me through these means I will believe in Him. If he can prove himself past and beyond the emotions, beyond the brainwashing and indoctrination, beyond the fantastical church experiences and created atmosphers, I will re-dedicate my life to him and his son. Yet I do not shake my fist at the sky, I stand ready to see what he has for me, ready to see him anew, with my mind and not my emotions. I stand humble, willing to learn.

Do not be sorry for me. Don't you dare. And don't you be sorry for any others in my place. If my post leads people down my path of reason, great! I have lead too many people into blind faith, and if it's best for them than sure, that's great. But shouldn't I also lead people down my new path? To understanding?

Welcome, Erika.
I doubt that Niki's post, alone, will change anyone's beliefs.
I actually doubt that all of the doubting ~ or believing ~ posts, that we have on here, would change anyone who doesn't want to change.

Thanks Niki.

I have noticed you change, quite significantly, since you joined the forum.

We have an old thread, which asks if people have changed their minds as a result of this forum ~ do you think that it has had a great effect on you?

I see that you call yourself an atheist, yet what you describe is something that I think I would call agnosticism.
I wonder ~ if you don't mind me asking ~ why do you choose the term 'atheist' over 'agnostic'?

I am pleased to hear that your husband is supporting you.
I imagine that it must be quite hard for him.

Niki - I have watch the evolution of Niki for quite a while now. I find that you are a much more comfortable person now. You are also much more open person now. I do like the new Niki, and not because of the change in faith, but because of the person that emerged.

I want to add - you are so xxxxxxx brave. My husband knows my belief system, and has since we married. But I have not worked up the nerve to tell anyone in my family. Let us know how that goes. You jump into the water and I will see if I want to follow I have NEVER considered myself a coward, but that is something that I just can't work up the nerve to do. I don't lie I just don't converse about faith. I guess that is a lie of omission.

Lies of omission about faith are usually a good idea. Why cause trouble. It's meaningless to you, so let the other people babble on about their superstitions.

I've long given up trying to join those conversations. It's better to say nothing.

I was out on a business dinner with coworkers and the conversation came around to "the supernatural" and one person with a straight face said that he believes absolutely nothing in the supernatural, except for believing in Jesus, with which he has no problem.

I didn't want to get into that conversation so I just let it go.

How can otherwise intelligent people believe this is beyond me.

In short, yes. =) If in any way, just through the act of discussion and bouncing my thoughts off of people. I had always been in forums with people who were mostly Christian. This impacted me a lot, to bounce off my ideas in a different slant.



Great question! And I can understand the confusion. I went back and forth over it myself many times, wondering which was the right way to describe what I am. I have doubts, but I live my life like their is no god, and I do not really expect an afterlife. So that removes me from theistic agnosticism.

Basically, a-theism is the lack of theistic belief. Also, I do belief truth can be found, most types of agnosticism believe that it truth to the full extent can not be grasped. Since I do not hold to any theistic belief, I use the term a-theist. Since I am not in any way unsure, I do not believe agnostic fits me any longer. I'm pretty convinced. I am open, but that doesn't mean I'm agnostic, just that I have an open mind. I reject faith and unreasonable by definition.

It wasn't easy. It's a huge jump, but I think it fits. I'm still a little uneasy with it, understandably, but it is what it is!



Thanks so much BLR. =) I do hope I'm brave. I feel worlds braver now that Steve knows and supports me.

I'm thinking... my first step is not lying. Like you said, that's hard. With me, like I always say, since religion and whatnot is my field of study,and my passion, it is unavoidable. Since my husband is Christian, all my family and his are Christian/Catholic, and I still go to church and participate in events... it's pretty much unavoidable. Well, no, it is unavoidable. I can't avoid it.

I'm trying to not lie. If someone asks me to pray for them, say I can't. If someone makes a comment about how great Jesus has been to them, not forcing a smile and words of admonition. Not spouting Bible verses, which I'm SO good at, obviously, seeing my major I know theology back and forward.

It's something I'm trying to commit myself to. Being honest. Not pretending. It's... well it's tremendously difficult. I love my family, but I love who I am as well, and I don't want to lie to them. I assumed my husband would not love me as much, and I was wrong! Maybe I am wrong about my family.

But I will share when it comes to telling them. I don't plan on having a sit down like Steve, but just coming out when it offers itself in discussion.