Lisa Shea Forums General Discussion Religious Research Beginning of change

So in terms of religion, everyone in my family and friends knows how I feel about the issue, and we can discuss it without any issue. So I suppose I am fortunate that I have a group around me that is not fanatical about the issue.

Hey guys, I just thought some of you my like to hear a story! I've been on here for a while now, and I've changed exponentially from when I first arrived. I might be assuming too much to think anyone cares, but I'll try to make it interesting enough so reading my long post will be enjoyable! =) It'll at least serve for a good reference.

I'm sharing mainly due to the title, my real beginning of change: telling my husband. My beloved is a Christian, I am not. When we were married, and when we first met, we both loved the Lord, as they say, very much. Served in ministry together, did evangelic events together, went to Christian college together, and had all the Christian trimmings in our wedding. Last night, I told him I've accepted Atheism as my life philosophy.

To be honest, it was harder than I thought. I had assumed he some how new. I had also assumed that he was more liberal and agnostic than he actually is, so I thought my change wouldn't bother him that much! I mean, he had enjoyed our secular Atheism class, and agreed that Atheism had a better argument than the Christian rebuttal book they had us read. But I guess through my process of change, I had failed to realize and think, "How would I have felt if he was an atheist when I was a Xtian?"

For those that have read my posts, you'll remember me as a fiery Christian. =) You'll also probably recall when my answers to discussion topics started changing! Well, here I am. Not at the end of a journey, but back to the beginning, the way were were born: without theistic indoctrination. Back to childhood, before I was told "the Truth" was the only truth there was. Before I was flooded with charismatic experiences and fantastical stories of visions, and healings, and miracles. Before my emotions were taken advantage of, before I was lead to believe the only way to be happy was through a relationship with Jesus.

Maybe what I was taught was true! But I choose to find out for myself. To return to the default belief I was born with, empty slate, and build what I find to be truth by reasonable deduction and honest searching. If God be real, my only prayer is for him to understand that I cannot believe in what I cannot substantiate! Faith is unreasonable, for it's based on trusting in what can not be seen, as the Good Word defines it. And I just can't live like that anymore.

But, back to the main plot of this story.

I was terrified. My husband stood there wrinkling a piece of paper he had in his hand for the past 10 minutes. I could tell the upset, and worry from the past few months had come to a climax, and he needed to know where I stood. He told me "I don't know where you stand anymore."

I said, " I don't know what you mean."

Chai, our kitty, was poking her head through the cracked door by now. I swear, she looked like a little girl with a "mommy and daddy's fighting" look on her face. It's amazing how human-like our pets can be sometimes, how they know when somethings wrong, and how they can feel the tension in a room.

"I'm just afraid.. that my biggest fear is actually true." He said.

"What's your biggest fear."

After the longest pause I think we've had yet in our deep conversations, he answered "That you've become an Atheist."

Leaving details out of of conversation, I told him that I was. For a moment, I was terrified that that proclamation was the end of our relationship. He looked torn and devastated, and there was nothing I could do but console him that I would not give up, and share my pain. The ostracizing I feel my church family, the looks of pity, the feeling like I failed everyone who had put faith in me, everyone who had prophesied into my life, everyone who had kids that had looked up to me in church, everyone who had watched the way I worshiped God and looked up to my young fire.

Eventually, sharing my pain, and how hard it was for me to accept completely that I can not believe in fairy tales any longer, got to him. He came over to me, bless his heart, and just held me. He said he loved me, and would support me no matter what. In that moment, sure I felt pitied, and wondered inside if he thought I was doomed for Hell, especially when he expressed a desire for me to turn back eventually and "not give up on God," but I knew he loved me, supported me 100%, and would be behind me every step of the way. =)

So that's my story. My beginning of one life, and end of another. I feel like I could take on the world. It's like coming out of the closet, really, but worse! At least the homosexual is just sinning, and could maybe be forgiven by God if they claim to love him, me, I have turned my back on my savior. But I don't care. I'm out of that closet, and out from hiding, and the only person I care about accepts me! I hope my parents will too, and I'll surely share for those who care how they react, but is the love of my life isn't rejecting me, then I have hope for the world. Hope to change the world even! To change the world from their elitism, from their firm grip on salvation and eternal life, to change them to accept and love everyone for who they are, human.

Thanks for reading.

Sarah